#and putting me behind 30 minutes 4 the entire day. and shoutout to that one resident for making me wait 40 minutes b4 i could clean hisroom

[nomaishuttle]

didnt get to have my second 15 today so fugg it im taking it naow ^_^ <- guy who was supposed to get off work 20 minutes ago

[chrsitophwaltz]

MICKEY MEETS FC BAYERN (PART 1/4)

for the entire houston clownery experience click here

psa: excuse my face and the pic qualities. up until this happened i haven’t really taken pictures of myself (less than 10 in the past two years for family and work purposes and NEVER selfies) and when you meet people you’ve only seen on TV in a very unexpected circumstance, then don’t expect your brain and motor functions to work 100%.

okay. i posted part 1 of this a few days ago but i’m gonna redo it again to flush out the details. before i start, know that i arrived in houston wednesday afternoon. my original flight back home was scheduled sunday after the game (i booked my flight and lodgings months before like a good binch) but since bayern clowned again and announced the full detailed schedule really late, and put ALL the major fan stuff on SUNDAY, i grudgingly rebooked and extended one more day. how much that one extra day cost me will haunt me for a while but hey, it was more than worth it! of course, i didn’t know it would work out like that at first...

the hotel reception was around 6:30-7 pm on friday so we went there a few hours earlier to get good spots. met up with The Niko Thirst Gang (big shoutout to @screamingoranges, @saquonbrkley, and @simplyirenic! it was great meeting y’all hope we could do it again sometime) and waited patiently in the houston heat and humidity outside the hotel. finally the team bus arrived and got my shirt signed by boa, fiete, benji, leon, and thomas! made a post about it here and i also have the full reception video if y’all wanna see!

but being the greedy thirsty binch that i am, i wasn’t satisfied at all. thiago and niko weren’t there. the coaching staff were the first to go down and hansi flick, dr. broich, and even Witch Doctor™ müller-wohlfahrt were there, but NOT niko. after the bus left and all the other entourage cars were off, i was about to rage outside the hotel bc i was really banking on seeing niko that day and taking a pic with him there (my blood pressure had been raging for 4 hours and then to be let down just like t h a t...). apparently he and thiago went straight to nrg stadium from the airport for a press conference. and guess what? NRG STADIUM WAS JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM MY PLACE 💀💀💀

anyway, come saturday and it was game day! i was so pumped since my seat was five rows behind the bayern bench! y’all know what that means: unlimited firsthand access to peak drama!!! i also had this huge ass sign asking for niko’s bottle sdhfsdjfh. the game was great (bc we beat madridies and it was just really exciting all the way) and i saw stuff that we normally don’t get from TV (e.g. ALL the angry niko antics, leon changing into his kit on the bench, etc.) at one point niko finally looked at my direction while drinking from his bottle and i’m pretty sure he saw my sign but he just kept on drinking sultrily from that goddamn bottle sjadhksfksdfdk i hate him!!!!!!!

after the game i was feeling pretty let down and desperate bc i know sunday was the team’s last full day in houston and i didn’t want my extension to be for nothing. the practice session and paulaner bbq were invite-only events (ugh) and the mall meet-and-greets won’t have niko or everyone else in them. so i set my alarm, went to bed, and decided to try my luck by randomly going to the hotel again to see if i can get something. i had no idea if it was gonna work or not. it was a shot in the freaking dark.

sunday morning. 8:30 am. i went out armed with a sharpie, my cardboarded jersey, a pack of gum, and two bottles of water.

my uber drove me to the hotel entrance and i even got the whole five star welcome sjdhfsjdfbjkds

hotel staff: ”hi! welcome to the post oak hotel!”

me: “oh lmao i’m not actually a customer i’m just here to see if the team’s still here. have they left for practice yet?”

hotel staff: “oh no problem at all. they’re still here they just finished breakfast i think”

me: “oh cool i’ll just wait here then”

hotel staff and some guy in a bayern audi fcb tour polo shirt: “it’s so hot here, though. don’t you want to wait inside?”

me:

me: “............i can do that? am i allowed in?”

bayern guy: *shrugs* yeah sure. i’ve seen you around before anyway (nice guy talk for: i know ur stalking them lmao)

just like that.

i’m in. i made it.

u n s u p e r v i s e d. totally no barriers whatsoever. with full blast A/C too!

cue happy lil me, relieved to be out of the houston heat, entering the hotel and chilling in their nice plushy seats. (if y’all have cash to burn, it looks like a real good hotel too if you get to houston sometime). i kept on looking over my shoulder bc i still can’t believe they just let me in like t h a t. i tried to make myself look as harmless and innocent as possible and saw some of the training staff milling around and chatting in german (for a moment i thought i was back in munich it was so surreal). at some point, a very sleepy and very casual javi martinez in slides came up to the reception and i nearly passed out. he looked over at me and i waved and said hi and raised my shirt (signal if he wants to sign). he shook his head no and gestured to reception and i was like “oh sure no problem!” (i was trying not to freak out even if i was sad ok)

i’ve been trying to kill time by screaming here on tumblr until about 10-15 minutes later i heard the huge ass team bus pull up out front. a few moments after that, it all started.

i saw the kitmen carrying stuff to the bus and greeted them “guten morgen!” they were so cheery lmao (idk if it’s bc they just had breakfast or bc i greeted them in german). then i saw dr. broich and hansi flick come out in their training gear (both looking hella tanned sfnsjfjsdfn) and greeted them both again. dr. broich waved, said hi, and went straight to the bus but i was able to flag hansi down for an autograph. in my excitement (he was my first catch of the day!) i forgot to ask for a pic ugh but oh well

me: “thanks hansi! and welcome to bayern!”

hansi: *handing me back my shirt and trying (and failing) to put my sharpie back in its cap* “oh, thanks so much!”

after hansi went on his merry way, i saw dieter nickles (the press conference guy) and asked him for a picture and autograph too.

me: “hi dieter! can i please have a photo and an autograph?”

dieter: “are you sure? i’m not a player...”

me: “haha i know but if it’s all the same to you...”

he seemed pretty chuffed that i knew him and happily signed and took pictures (score #2!)

that was it for a while (they were the early birds) until giovane elber himself came out. i freaked (i love him) and tried to keep my voice from shaking when i asked him for the standard photo and autograph. in my haste, the first was pretty blurry and against the light but giovane, angel that he is, was like “oh no that’s bad. let’s try again” and maneuvered me to another angle. success! i luff u, giovane ;__;

then The Voice of the Allianz Arena himself came out. i semi-shouted “stephan!” and startled him that he nearly dropped his coffee snbfsdbfsdfsb. while he was signing my shirt, i asked him if he could give me a lil soundbite and HE DID! he sounds exactly the same as he does on TV during games omfg

the younglings started to come out too. i missed a few of them because they went out in a group so i was only able to flag down sarpreet and ron. oh well! they cute af! go bayern babies! grow up and save us from clownery!!!!!!

(ignore the pen in my mouth i was multitasking lmao)

after that, the ground started to shake (just kidding) bc Big Uncle Nik was there! after i got his autograph (a very simple N.S. lmaooo) , we tried to take a picture. i say “tried,” because i’m 5′3 (and 1/2....on a good day) and he’s built like a fuckin skyscraper. in the end, since he was so nice and realized it was hopeless, he bent down to my level so we could both fit in the frame sdhfbsdjfsbdfjd COME ON SÜLEEEEE

then Pure Angel Baby Fiete came out! i already got his autograph and had a pic with him in the hotel reception, but hey, one more can’t hurt! lemme tell y’all: he looks like an angel, and IS an angel. he’s always so game for photos and even said thank you after we took the pic and i’m like “um???? no, thank YOU!!!” he laughed and i cried lmaooo

also, javi finally showed up again. i raised my pen and phone and he was like “oh sure! yeah!” my brain was fried from Beautiful Athlete Overload that i forgot NOT to take a pic from that cursed angle. javi looked like he was in a hurry though so i didn’t even try to ask for a better pic. oh well, at least here he looks like he came down from heaven (he really looked like he did huehue)

(tumblr has this stupid 10 photo per post limit thing so stay tuned for more pics in part 2!)

[twaaaaaa]

Race report: Ironman 70.3 Augusta

This is the first race report I've written for a U.S.-based race since college. And like a true American, I'm going to do it using bullet points. (Get it? Because we have an uncontrollable gun violence problem here?)

Also, I apologize for the lack of pictures here. Tumblr doesn’t play nice with photos in the middle of text, and figuring out the HTML for it is too close to my real job to be enjoyable.

PART 1: THE LEAD-UP

This was the first race I've done in more than two-and-a-half years. I took a hiatus because of burnout and an international move, spent 2018 building up a base and really started training again this year.

Going into it, I felt I was adequately trained on the bike. I hadn't done enough long runs, but that was balanced out by the amazing speedwork I've put in. Shoutout to Gerald and the Tuesday morning track crew.

My swim is also at the best it's ever been, though that's not saying much.

The race was in Augusta, Georgia. I have a bit of a shameful history with it – I registered for it in college in 2011. And then midterms happened, so I couldn't make it. To date it's my only DNS. Consider this time grade forgiveness.

I flew out with a bunch of teammates from Triple Threat. It's such a delight to race with a supportive team like this. Many of them were doing their first half-Ironman. They're so cute when they're new.

I got into the rental car with my teammate, Ann, and it took five minutes before I hit the first complication for the weekend. As soon as the speedometer hit 65 mph, WHAPWHAPWHAPWHAPWHAP. Something on the front of the car was rattling. So we turned around and swapped it for a free upgrade to an SUV. Later, my coach would complain the same rental company was out of cars, and I'm partially to blame. Sorry, coach.

Most people paid $350 a night or so to stay at the host hotel. Screw that – do you know how much ice cream $350 can buy? The value inn a half-mile away had a soft bed, a warm shower and a stale continental breakfast. That's more how I roll.

Turns out the cheap hotel was ideally situated – two blocks away from the starting line, damn close to the transition check-in and right at the edge of the downtown area. No regrets.

Augusta is … not the most august location. It has a stench to it. From the river, I learned – the same river we were to start the day swimming in. Greeeeeat.

But at least it wasn't Waco.

We crowded into the Mellow Mushroom for dinner to give the newbies last-minute advice and reassurance. My advice in summary: it was going to be freaking hot, relax on the down-river swim and do a cannonball when you jump off the dock to start.

I found a Publix the day before the race! You have to understand what this means to a Floridian trapped in Texas. Texan friends, it's like finding a Whataburger and a Buc-ees next to each other in the middle of nowhere. Canadian friends, same but for Tim Horton's. UAE friends, imagine if a small town was entirely made out of malls. It just felt right.

I got my chicken tender PubSub and my guava pastries for maximum homeopathy to Florida Man. You could hear Jimmy Buffet playing in the background. Pitbull yodeled. The alligators lurking in the Savannah lifted their heads in praise. God shrugged and turned a blind eye. It was glorious.

At some point I bought a badass helmet with a visor that made me look like Judge Dredd. It was good for 15 minutes of confidence before Devon, who tests these things in a wind tunnel shamed me for it.

The morning of, we trudged down to transition for final prep and then made out way 1.2 miles upstream for the start. Three school buses were working as shuttles, but the line for them stretched almost as long as we'd have to walk.

Here's the nice thing about having a hotel next to the race start: instead of standing in line for the portable toilets before the start, you get to bask in the air conditioning and proper ventilation of your hotel room. Makes quite the difference.

This was my first time racing long-distance in a two-piece kit. I didn't realize you need to apply sunscreen to the small of your back, where the top rides up on the bike. This would later result in a sunburn tramp stamp.

PART 2: THE SWIM

The pros started off at 7:30 a.m., and us age groupers had to wait until 7:50 to start. Except it was a rolling start, with two people going off every three seconds. It took 90 minutes to get everyone in, as the sun rose ever higher.

I made friends with a guy in my age group while waiting in line (thanks to a fast seed time, we only ended up standing around for 35 minutes). His name was Houston, he told me, and he had roots around Delaware, Ohio. Sounded to me like he couldn't decide on a state. I declared I lived in Dallas and that made us rivals.

Oh buddy, you better believe I did a cannonball.

Augusta is a down-river swim. It ranges from easy to easiest, depending on the current. There are videos of them floating a coke bottle or bag of chips down the river and making the cutoff time. This year the current wasn't too swift, but a personal record was still a foregone conclusion.

I became best friends with some river weeds. Best friends hug each other and stick together, right?

I did not have to punch or shove anyone out of the way, thankfully. Guess all the breast strokers started behind me.

I popped out of the water in 33:49. That's a PR for me, but only enough to hit 67/135 in my age group. I aim for top 50% in the swim, so that was just baaaaarely acceptable.

3:55 T1, because I took some time to towel the grass off my feet before donning socks. This was not the most luxurious transition location.

PART 3: THE BIKE

My choice of a disc wheel and 50mm front was a good decision for the day. It wasn't too windy and the road conditions, while not amazing, were not enough to give me trouble. The 56-mile course starts off flat for 17 miles or so, then has a few hills, then goes back to mostly flat for the last 15.

Ten miles in or so I see a yellow jersey up ahead. Is that … yup, it's Houston. I ding my bell and whoop as I pass him.

Five miles later, I get passed by a dude in a yellow jersey. He waves back at me and compliments my helmet (yessss). We would continue to pass each other every few miles for the remainder of the ride. “Tag, you're it.”

Aid stations on the bike are chaotic. I've found the best way to let the volunteers know what you need is to roar it. It may scare the bejesus out of a middle schooler when some dude rides by on a spaceship-looking bike, points at her and screams “BANANA! BANANA!”, but that's part of the fun. Whatever gets me my potassium.

Nutrition-wise, I nailed it. The usual strategy of super-concentrating my electrolytes in one bottle and picking up water at each aid station worked perfectly. I head enough caffeinated gels to keep my energy going, and while I came close to cramping near the end of the run I never did.

I keep a bell on my aerobars, mostly because I don't want to waste the breath to yell “on your left” each time I pass someone. Because I'm a slow swimmer but a fast cyclist, and I pass a LOT of people.

You know what the bell is also useful for? Cheering a teammate on the other side of the road while your mouth is full of banana. You go, Jeff.

Years ago, star USF time trialist and all-around hammerhead borrowed my disc wheel and put an 11-23 cassette on it. I've never taken it off. You know what that cassette is good for? Flat land. You know what awaited me in the middle of the course? Not flat land.

In races, they say you only have so many “matches” to burn before your legs tire out on you. Most people burn their matches pushing up a steep hill or going fast near the end of the run. Me? I burn them to see if I can hit 40 mph going downhill. While screaming at the top of my lungs. I may not have the best time, but I'll be damned if I'm not having the most fun.

(Garmin reports my max speed was 40.1 mph. Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh.)

I RODE PAST A DUDE WITH A GOAT ON A LEASH.

Despite the hills, I managed to keep a steady heart rate for most of the bike course. Don't know about my power output because my P1 pedals have refused to play nicely for a while. I can finally send them in now that it's the offseason.

I'm happy to say I passed Houston a mile before the end of the bike. But I stopped for the bathroom in transition, so he still beat me to the run.

If there's no volunteer to jump out of the way of your flawless flying dismount, did it even happen? Conversely, if there's nobody around when you jump onto gravel in your socks, did you even scream?

Total bike time was 2:56:25, with a more than 19 mph average page. 57/135 for my age group – that's behind the upper-third that I aim for. I still have a ways to go to regain my bike strength.

PART 4: THE RUN. ALLEGEDLY.

By the time we got to the run, the sun was high in the sky and the ambient temperature was 95. With the humidity, it felt close to 99. A course record by a generous margin. Crap.

I caught Houston within the first mile, and for a while there were four of us 25-29 men within 15 seconds of each other. Every peer I passed got a fist-bump.

We had a nice chat for the next few miles as we admired the beautiful downtown course. It's a zig-zag through the street, with spectators lining the sidewalks. Many of them had water guns, hoses or sprinklers, and I love everyone who cooled us for a few precious seconds.

The very best, though, was the homeowner with a giant inflatable unicorn spouting water from its horn.

I was holding a steady heart rate and pace for the first four miles, but the heat got to me as it got to everyone. Houston dropped me at an aid station and went on to beat me by 20 minutes.

From then it was all about heat management. How much could I push myself before overheating and being forced to slow down? How much cold water could I take in? Was I balancing the right amount of liquid and electrolytes?

I began walking in the shade of every building and running to get to the next patch of shade faster. It served me decently for the rest of the race.

I came up on a cute girl around my age (they write it on your calf) and had fantasies of using a pickup line on her as I passed her. “Excuse me, can you remember this number for me? 727-555-1234.” Thank God I didn't, because a mile later she caught a second wind and dusted me. How humiliating would that have been?

After an hour or so I began to get some underarm chafing. I asked for a bit of sunscreen at an aid station and slapped it on. That hurt. Then the volunteer saw what I was doing: “You know we have Vaseline too, right?” Oh well, too late.

Speaking of which, the second-best sign on the course was “chafing the dream.”

The very best one, though, was a drawing of Marvel's Iron Man next to the words “MAKE STAN LEE PROUD.” At that point I was so worn down that I teared up a bit. And then I picked up my legs and ran for as long as my body would let me.

What stage of heat stroke is it when your body has no idea whether it's cold or hot anymore so it just tells you it's both? Because I had that starting around mile 8. Maintaining homeostasis is not one of my strong suits.

Three times I called out to the onlookers, “Hey man, can I pet your dog?” Three times I was denied. Augusta can burn in hell.

At some point around mile 10 (of 13) I did the math and realized I could still hit a sub-6-hour time if I pushed it. So began a frantic but calculated series of runs and walks.

Thank goodness I was in one of the run stages as I passed my coach and relay teammates on the sidelines. They got a decent picture of me – I'm only panting a little bit.

I made across the line with two minutes to spare. Then I grabbed a water and laid down under the pizza table with two other dudes. For 45 minutes. Good race.

Total run time was 2:20:39, and frankly I'm surprised it was that short. 53/135, which surprisingly was again better than my bike performance, comparatively. I blame my running coaches.

Total race time was 5:58:05. 53/135, which again isn't where I usually shoot for. But I knew I wouldn't hit the top third going into the race.

Total calorie burn for the day, according to Garmin: 5,200.

The overall goal of this race wasn't a time, but nor was it just a finish. It was to have my body do what I told it to – or at least what I could negotiate with it – without cramping, collapsing or bonking. And I did. I have my mojo back. The heat collapsed everyone's plan A, but I was able to pull off plan B without much of a struggle. I could not have done that a year ago.

Unfortunately, the deal with myself was that if I pulled this race off I'd sign up for another Ironman in fall 2020. So it's either Cozumel or Argentina for me next year. I'm going to try to enjoy my social life while I still can.

PART 5: THE AFTERMATH

I ran into Houston a bit past the pizza table and collapsed into the chair next to him. His mom and sister were there to cheer him in his first half-Iron race. He snuck the pizza and beer. Hooray for supportive families.

After collecting some teammates and nursing a pizza slice for an hour, I made my way to the rest of the team to yell at passers-by. And someone finally let me pet her dog. She was from Dallas – go figure.

The walk from my hotel to downtown takes ten minutes. The post-race walk from downtown to my hotel takes 30. The difference is staggering.

I came back to my second batch of car trouble: someone had backed my rental in the parking lot. No note or anything – just a bunch of scrapes and misaligned panels.

I talked to the hotel manager, who earned a great Booking.com review into pulling the security footage. We watched as a family three doors down from me backed their car straight into mine, got out, saw no witnesses and sped off. Thank God for my credit card's insurance coverage.

The geniuses were staying through the end of the week – the hotel had their driver's license and video evidence of them leaving the scene of an accident. Easiest police report the cop had ever filed.

As I was packing up the next morning, and after the policeman had talked to her, the woman approached me apologizing. I shrugged and wished her best of luck against the insurance and rental car companies. If I have to deal with this load of paperwork, so does she.

In the day after the race, I polished off three meals' worth of leftovers – including two different pizzas. Between those, the finish-line pizza and the week of carb-loading, I never wanted to eat another slice in my life.

That resolve didn't even last three days.

I bonded with a fellow athlete seated behind me on the plane ride back. Turns out his carry-on was not a suitcase, but a reusable bag of fresh vegetables and a half-eaten box of Life cereal. The absolute legend.

I learned later that day that over the weekend my Abu Dhabi friend Leanne had taken fourth place in Ironman Cozumel that same weekend in her debut as a pro. But I didn’t pee myself on the bike, so who really came out ahead there?

So now I'm in the off season. It's nice to get eight hours of sleep most nights. I'll be tweaking my workout schedule to build a base over the fall and winter, and then it's back to training. I'm looking at one or two half-Irons and a full next year, plus whatever local sprints and olympics bubble up.

When I came back to the US two years ago, I left important parts of my identity behind. Bunches of friends, a journalism career, my expat status. And triathlons were placed on hold. This past season has made me feel more like myself again, and it's a comforting feeling after so much doubt and uncertainty. It's good to be in love with the sport again after a few years of burnout.

The hardest part of the next year will be persuading my mom not to disown me if I get an Ironman tattoo after next fall. Wish me luck.

[brokenhayatim]

the projectionist

[now playing: the projectionist & north by sleeping at last]

this has been a long time coming but i couldn’t put my words to paper screen.

when hands are tied and clocks are ticking an audience convinced: we’re leaning in  holding our breath again

i can’t wait to go back to my place. i used to say that a lot, not out of spite or rudeness but because i genuinely couldn’t wait to be back to my own calm. its hit me now how i’ll no longer have that. and i wish i could feel finally sad or even say i’m still overwhelmed and confused, but it’s this sense of somber longing i guess. longing to keep something so good and somber at the reality that i just..won’t have that soon. i began calling this place home years ago and not because of the state (please, i would’ve anywhere but this state if not for the people i’ve met here) but because it’s my home. i more than just studied here, i built a fresh start, a life here. and i feel like i won’t have that again. is this what people feel like when they move out of their home of like 14 years that they raised 4 children and adopted 3 dogs in. it’s more tough than i thought, you know. every lease i’ve signed (shaking bc commitment may i add) i’ve always know i would be here the next, even though not in the same place and living with the same people, i’d still be here. i get emotional and nostalgic thinking of my former places every time i move, and i still think back to my first. i remember moments so vividly and what the apartment looked like from every square inch. but this is different. i moved an entire state away, essentially to be alone, and i love it. i love that i don’t depend on people for the simple things and less for the difficult things. i love that i have a routine. i like that i come home and i’m alone (roommates, i know, but it’s different). i go to the grocery store alone, i’ve learned the way and i’ve walked. i like that i could walk to target and walgreens, because i’ve learned the way. i like that i don’t have to depend on driving especially, i take a few ubers but even then, i’m comfortable doing that. something new york asiya would never have been. i go for mri’s alone. i walk to uni alone and back (except when i take the bus bc gurl i would sweat). i go the airport and fly alone, something i’ve loved. don’t get me wrong i love my siblings and miss them dearly but that’s what visits are for, and we have those every few months. no one has also came to visit me except my sister twice, and would i really want them too..i don’t know. **to expand on that first time at a later date** but now my brain is like ‘come. see the life i’ve made for myself. i want to show you all i’ve built’.

we'll tell our stories on these walls. every year, measure how tall and just like a work of art we'll tell our stories on these walls

i’m not ready for so many unknowns. where will i live soon? how many jobs will i have to apply for and which ones? even simplest things like where will i do my laundry? i’ve babbled about this but i’m so incredibly grateful for the apartments that i’ve had with amenities. my sisters are always shocked to know how i live at such a small price, but student housing [chef’s kiss]. but things like central ac and in home laundry, i’ve never thought of that, but new york i’ll have to. i’ll probs have to buy my room ac and walk for laundry if i live in the city. i can’t imagine i’d get a graphic design job or something similar anywhere near where i live, so the city i shall be. how far will i have to go to the store? what may happen on the way? i’ve sometimes worried about walking to the store here, mostly when they have kidnappers on the loose, but i always feel more safe than not. i walk 20/30 mins to target and walgreens on foot on the side of the main road and i’ve taken public transportation too. story on that, i told my first roommate how to get to the store from the bus and she was terrified so i went with her and she was like ...i can’t do this alone, i’ll just call a car. would new york asiya have done that too? probably not. because florida me is more independent (idk if bold or courageous is the word) and probs just a little crazy. ubers also are way more expensive in new york, just to add on that. i’ve taken the subway and train alone in new york and have walked blocks alone around nyu and parks. i know new york well, where i live and a bit of the city, but it’s not the same. my dream would be like keeping what i have here and copy and pasting it into the state of new york. i’ve always been and felt like a new yorker here, not once a floridian. i definitely don’t even do that school pride thing, some people actually never knew where i went to college. new york is also home for me, but it’s like my baby home. sometimes i think i was genuinely crazy coming here alone and not even knowing anything about the state nor ever seeing the university. but it was the best thing. i’m always depressed, yes, and i hate people, yes. but despite all of me being a constant emotional tragedy, i really love what i have here. it’s my own. i’ve become that person that tells you directions or tells you where to get what where. and now i’ll have to go back to someone that has to ask 89 questions and gets lost 14 times. ah, but if only i was rich and i could have it all. 

so we’re leaving,  we’re leaving our shadows behind us now we’re leaving, we’re leaving it all behind for now

i can’t wait to go back to my place. i’ll no longer have a home to run off to for months when i don’t feel right. i’ve actually booked flights earlier than i and my family planned/expected just to jet sometimes. i always come back with my suitcase(s) and feel at home walking into my place. i know, inshallah, i’ll have that again in new york or wherever i am, but i HATE CHANGE. its such a big shift that i’m like..can we do baby steps?? i haven’t even been avoiding it for months, i’ve genuinely forgotten until like march when i had to decide on graduation stuff. and now i’ve opened my suitcase and feel like i’m doing my my clothes wrong by putting them in a suitcase to travel a state away and not a few streets. my 3 apartments have essentially been in between two streets, you see one, turn right and drive down, there’s another, turn left and then another left, drive down the road and there’s my current one, which is about two minutes from the first if you drive up a little down. it’s legit a square..but irrelevant. i know i can always come back to visit, but it won’t be the same. my social interaction meter already runs out in like 24 hours as it is then i need to come back home, imagine if i have to stay at someone’s house for like 3 days, lord. i don’t really know if it’s leaving that’s unsettling or going back knowing i won’t be fully alone from people that know me. 

(not so) tangent I: i always daydreamed of traveling to another state and getting a place there. my friend is thinking of coming from germany to practice dentistry here and we could find a place together. i know moving half way across the world for someone seems like a terrible idea, and i’ve lowkey done that coming here between states, but almost seven years of adoring each other’s existence makes you mushy and a little crazy. i feel like i’ll be awkward living with friends bc i’m such a loner, but who knows. the only thing getting her through these months of her final year in dentistry school is this idea and we’ve said inshallah every other week basically so inshallah, if it’s best for us. wild also that i knew her before she even started uni, way before she started dentistry school, like damn i hadn’t realized it’s been that long. 

ACTUAL tangent part II: late 2020/2021 was gonna be my planned travel year. rose was gonna have her dentistry school graduation in february so i was gonna go with more bouquets than my hands could hold. but before that i really wanted to see noor in like late december/january (shoutout to her getting her license i will never not be proud. am i smiling right now typing this? yes). i would find a way to not die in one of those taxis for this surprise, wait outside in the rain (if the sky allows) and play a neighbourhood song outside her window with my iphone that would get water damage and die, then i would sing it (i memorized the lyrics on the flight over, duh). point is, i wanted to see her first and also in one of the least hottest months bc although i would die for her, i’m not going out from heat stroke. thank you miss covid-19, i must postpone that to 2041. i would say i could move to dubai, but i love wearing black and not like..oh yeah..dying. with germany, (ironically enough where my cousin and i were gonna go, me for uni) i can barely speak english let alone learn another language. i wouldn’t subject anyone to murica so alternative options are encouraged. anyways, it’s like the virus knew i was an absolute loser. and it’s as if i have a bug to just keep hopping on planes to avoid having to deal with myself for more than twelve minutes. additional tangent, sometimes i think about how i’ve known noor for five years and like four of those years, we’ve spoken like every day..like how the hell do we do this??? we’ve exhausted every topic humanly possible and still find something new. imagine if we met and it was just [crickets] jhfghfg. i would say we share a braincell and she has it, but i feel like she has five at least. i always have the same tangent topic that literally should just be it’s own solo post..ANYWAYS. 

let the years we're here be kind, be kind let our hearts, like doors, open wide, open wide settle our bones like wood over time, over time

i’m gonna continue this later bc the tangent sent my mind in a whole different direction ,, what are thoughts

[fasa-umich]

One Last Time... Kaitlyn Barron & Izzy Poquiz, 2019-2020 FASA Co-Cultural Chairs

The end is here

Kaitlyn: So, I guess we’ve reached the end…

Izzy: Looks like it :,). It seems like just yesterday we were scrambling to plan fall semster’s events, let alone PCN. How did we pull everything off?

Kaitlyn: I honestly have no clue lol. As you continue down Izzy and I’s brain dump, laugh, cry, take note, and cringe at our escapades from a year we will never forget.

^AHAHAHAHA Dank.

EPISODE I

THE CULTURAL CHAIRS AWAKEN

Tinikling on the Diag… Adobo Night….PCN...Lumpia Night… oh my! Cultural Chair may seem like a lot, because it truly is. However, it is a role like no other. With your Co-Chair (who may become your new best friend) it’s you against the world in spreading the Kultura!

^One of our proudest accomplishments

On paper you’re tasked with putting on 3 cultural events each semester, with a specific emphasis on Philippine Cultural Night. This entails facilitating PCN Committee meetings, staying in contact with venue staff, developing programming, finding a speaker, picking a theme, creating and printing programs, working closely with the Performance Chair(s), ensuring we have the right amount of funding, overseeing decorations, picking a menu

Kaitlyn: We may be overwhelming them!

Izzy: Touche. Let’s break it down to the necessities:

EPISODE II

THE RISE OF THE KULTURA: CULTURAL CHAIR TOP TIPS

1. YOUR CULTURE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT

a. We both are by no means experts on Filipinx / Filipinx-American culture! We have certainly become well-versed in researching, fact-checking, being open to learning, and seeking out ways to represent diverse identities.

b. YOU define your identity, and you are in a position where you can help others explore what Filipinx / Filipinx-American culture means to THEM. This is exactly what makes Cultural Chair so difficult... and so worth it.

2. PLAN AHEAD

a. Trust us, PCN is a huge event to wrap your head around and making sure you get work done before you return to school is so very important. Plus you have all summer to talk about  your ideas, which is fun with school not in the way!

b. Organization is the name of the game. Out of all the handy-dandy resume skills to have, effective organizational skills and time management is KEY.

c. By no means do you have to be a master planner, but planning an event as big as PCN while delivering on your responsibilities as a board member and student is no small feat. Know yourself. Know your limits, Most importantly, know when to ask for help!

3. TRUST YOUR CO AND TRUST YOUR BOARD

a. #THETEAM THETEAM THETEAM

b. #What team? WILDCATS

c. Your Co and fellow Boardies are your greatest support system. They are there for you when you want to cry or yell at something (a point that you almost certainly will reach), they always got your back. When you’re having a particularly busy time academically, ask for some help. Utilize this resource wisely!

4. REMEMBER TO HAVE FUN

a. It can be hard sometimes to find some humor and fun when you have to deal with logistics, event planning, or serious discussions. But remember that you ran for this position to make a difference in FASA and to get people engaged with this culture we love so much. Take a break and crack a joke, it really helps when the PCN budget looms in your face.

b. Your time on board moves fast. Like crazy fast. Despite all the past testimonials and boardies saying the same exact thing, it still surprises us how quickly our time as Culturals has come to its end. Cherish every moment and use your time efficiently and effectively.

^So fresh and so clean

Izzy: Speaking of fun, Kaitlyn and I DEFINITELY had our fair share of dank dynamic duo moments… All the stressful and unsavory moments that come with being cultural pale in comparison thanks to Kaitlyn and I’s ride-or-die support we have for each other. When I felt outside pressure, it was easy to eventually push through because I always knew Kaitlyn would be fighting in my corner alongside me.

^CULTURALS UNITE

Kaitlyn: Full disclosure: PCN planning starts as soon as you are elected, so yes March is already go-time. So naturally, Izzy and worked together much over the summer (sometimes twice a week on end), but as we were on opposite sides of the country, FaceTime became our best friend. 6:30 am was probably the earliest I woke up for a call (the time difference is something else), but not once did either of us complain. Those meetings were where we tossed around event ideas, speaker options, and found Pamana our chosen PCN theme. We would hash out the nitty gritties of PCN and go off on tangents about Game of Thrones. I will miss those early mornings and late night calls.

EPISODE III

THE CO-CHAIRS STRIKE BACK

Your greatest friend or worst enemy?

Hahaha jk jk …...UNLESS?!

Cultural Chair is a role that we would say is pretty near impossible to do alone. Nor would this role be as fun and rewarding if you were alone. Your co is there to be your greatest supporter, picking you up when you feel like the world is ending. Whenever one of us had a rough week, the other would take on more to make sure the job got done. When you’re bouncing ideas for PCN it helps to have someone else there to workshop and discuss your grandest and craziest of ideas (cough cough storyline PCN cough cough). When you are running an event like Lumpia Night it helps to have someone to direct the night’s events and interact with members, or escape to cook lumpia for 30 minutes cause you’re overwhelmed by all the people talking (lol), your co has got your back. Even more than the role, we were there for each other as friends, there to cheer up on an off day or “study” for hours on end. This year wouldn’t have been possible without the dream team.

^Young and Naive

Izzy: Before we say our final goodbyes as Culturals, let’s share a little bit about how we got to FASA in the first place.

I’ve come to realize that FASA has been in the back of my mind ever since I attended PCN waaaay back when my Ate Melissa was organizing it. I, a tiny four-year-old, was just there for the ride. Little did I know that FASA would fill the cultural deficit that was missing from growing up in my white washed, small(ish) town. Once I was on campus, my desire to join and immerse myself in FASA was pretty intense. I stalked all the social media, flipped through the old FASA albums, and wondered if FASA would actually live up to my increasingly high expectations. In time, I would meet my fellow former freshman and build friendships that I’m endlessly thankful for. I’d also run for board and even win alongside the GOAT, Kaitlyn Barron herself.

^How could you not love this person

Kaitlyn: I remember going FestiFall freshman year and instantly spotting the Filipino flag waving around high in the air. I ran to it and haven’t looked back from it since. 

Growing up in an Irish-Filipino American household, I was often at odds with where I landed. I was too white to be Asian and too Asian to be white. Even with the bountiful diversity of my Southern Californian upbringing, I did not appreciate my Filipino heritage fully. Once I came here, separated from my family and all I knew, I clung to the anchor that was my mom’s culture, claiming it as my own and one that I would be willing to fight for. I grew to realize that I am Filipino enough, not because I knew the entire history of the Philippines, but because of the love I held for this culture I have grown cherish.

EPISODE IV

A NEW PAMANA

Izzy: Our love for Filipinx American culture and will to claim it as our own have been the driving force behind our time as Cultural Chairs. We worked tirelessly, meticulously, and passionately to create an environment that supported all of you to feel the same pride to be a member of our community.

We hope that Tinik on the Diag got you excited for a packed year of the FASA Performance we’ve all come to know and love (shoutout to Bea, the honorary third Cultural Chair). We hope that Adobo Night and Lumpia Night gave you a little taste of home when you were feeling a bit homesick. We hope the cultural workshops that we’ve put on helped you to think critically about important topics that affect our community. We hope PCN inspired you to look back at the rich legacy behind us and look forward to the vibrant new Pamana that you help create each day. 

Kaitlyn: I can fully say this has been one of the best years of my life, and I credit much of it to FASA. Leaving home was scary, but coming here to Michigan I found my new home in FASA. I’m going to leave all the thank yous to Izzy, but to her I have many thanks:

Izzy, You helped this shy lil bean find her place far away from all I knew. From long nights throwing ideas at our iconic google docs, to supporting me whenever I didn’t feel Filipino enough for this role, and of course all the times we got distracted and just watched YouTube videos and GoT reruns. I will forever be grateful for your friendship and love. I’m the lucky one who had the privilege to call you my co. 

Izzy: Maraming maraming salamat sa inyong lahat. 

To all of you still reading this, thank you for allowing Kaitlyn and I to have our Academy Award speech moment. We’ve been feeling a lil sentimental <3

To FASA, thank you for giving us the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves, our culture, and our community. Thank you for letting us share a little of ourselves with you this year. 

To our future Kultura Chairs, You’ll do great, you’re doing great, you’ve done great. Cultural Chair requires a certain level of comfort with being uncomfy, and confidence when it seems the odds are against you. You have Kaitlyn and I’s support, and if you need us we’re only a text away!

To my fellow boardies, our board was undeniably special. I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to work with a group of individuals so diverse in leadership style who still always made sure there was respect and understanding for each other. I'm proud to say we’re living proof that a successful working relationship is possible with your friends. I already miss y’all so much. 

To Matt and AJ, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, (but mostly the best of times :,) ). Thank you for giving us the room to let our creativity truly shine and the guidance to keep things on track. I would say I’ll miss all the assheadery, but I have a feeling that’s not going to end any time soon. 

And to Kaitlyn, there are LITERALLY no words that can convey how lucky I feel that we were brought together to do this job. Thanks to you, I learned so much about how to stand up for my beliefs and how to become a more empowered individual. Love you lots, co. 

SINCERELY YOURS IN CULTURE,

Kaitlyn and Izzy

[hidden-giggles]

Story Time! A large compilation of IRL stories

So that “True Tickling Story Asks racked up a fair few requests, a great many of them repeats. The only people I can tag for this response are @crispysoultimemachine, @undermyfeather, and @lettheworldtickleyou. For all y’all anons, I hope you see these! Some overlap, so I may double up, don’t hate me?

Also shoutout to my FAVORITE Halloween film of all time Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh the filth it involves. If you haven’t been to a live showing, go. I just went to another one and it just doesn’t get old. Pop that Rocky Cherry!

And so it begins! Click to see my adventures below the cut. Featured below, thought perhaps combined will be: 7. A time tickling went on longer than you wanted it to 8. A time someone held down your feet and tickled them 11. The most intense unintentional tickling you’ve ever endured 12. The most embarrassing tickling experience you’ve ever had 13. A time you were tickled in front of people 17. A time you tried to get yourself tickled 20. Your most ticklish pedicure 22. A time you were tickled in a public setting 24. A time you were asked to take off your shoes and it made you legitimately nervous 30. A time someone pulled your shoes off and tickled your feet 32. A time you tickled someone only to bait them into tickling you back

You’ve decided to brave this novel of a post? Well bless your heart. A portion of this will be out of order and covering parts of an 8 hour adventure with this asshole Josh I’m embarrassingly fond of. If you’re reading this, and I’m sure you are, try not to read into this too much or get too pleased. I’ll find a way to achieve revenge and you know it.

And so, starting this saga are numbers 7, 8, 12, 13, 22, and 30.

This summer in Paris, I had the pleasure of hanging out with Josh and showing him some of the sights around the 1st, 4th, and 12th arrondissements (sections of the city) and ordering the stuff we wanted in French. Bless his American heart 😛 But my foyer (dorm I guess?) was women only, and we weren’t about to bug his roommate, so for some 8 hours, we wandered some of my favorite and familiar parts of the city! Which also involved a lot, and I mean a lot of public play that flustered the hell out of me the entire time. And it was fun! But sometimes super duper embarrassing. For the first 45 minutes or so, we were chilling on the banks of the Seine in the 4th arr., just across the way from the islands in the center. We had some prosecco (Italian version of champagne), we relaxed, we chatted, totally surrounded by the dozens of other people doing the same on the grass and in the bars behind us. That did not, however, stop him from making me giggle like mad from head to toe, and I mean that literally. In a number of positions too, the worst of which involved me between his legs and leaning back, his thighs pinning my hands completely. He could reach everything, and I just about reached peak pitch in giggles. And then the ass made it worse. You see, my mouth ran rampant in France. I could say whatever I wanted in English because the kids didn’t know enough to be corrupted and only a portion of the adults knew enough English to understand. Even fewer cared. So when I begged calmly requested he cease fire, I was told to ask in French. The language people actually understood across the board. If people weren’t staring before (they were and it was so much worse knowing that), they were much more aware when I was, 1, begging en francais and 2, not getting my promised pause until a bit longer afterwards because he claimed he couldn’t understand me. I thought I might die, either from overheating with my massive blush or lack of breath for giggling and squealing myself to death. Oh god was I embarrassed, more than ever before, and more thoroughly played like a gosh darn fiddle. So I suppose the beginning of the evening covers numbers 7, 12, 13, and 22. Time skip like 4 hours. Apparently humans require food to function. I must have forgotten to read the “How to be Normal” manual because I had some bread at maybe 8 a.m. and then I didn’t really eat. But I had tea so I was totally hydrated! This is kind of common, my tum just doesn’t hold too much. But Josh, bless him, was less than pleased upon discovering that at midnight. And what’s open in Paris at midnight? Well, in the 1st arr. by the Hotel de Ville, it’s McDo, or McDonald’s. Bet y’all didn’t expect a cultural lesson with a tickling story, did you? And so, at midnight in the center of Paris in early August, we sat in a mostly empty McDonald’s munching on fries. And suddenly, my leg isn’t sitting still but rather being lifted, and shifted, and settled in his lap under the table. And my flip flop is coming off. And my heart stops. Oh god no no no no no, we are in an eating establishment, however casual it may be, being kicked out for disrupting the peace and being less than totally sanitary was not on my to-do list of rules I wanted to break while abroad (don’t follow my lead, learn from my example guys). I tried to pull my foot away, to put it back on the floor even without my shoe, but no such luck. I ankle was held tightly in place, I was stuck, even as his fingers started wiggling over my arches. I was biting my tongue, squeezing my eyes shut, shaking my leg and curling my toes, and I was still a squealing little mess. I begged, desperately, and after a short period of time I secured out exit from the restaurant and got my shoe back for the moment. But oh was I a nervous, flustered little thing. And that’s 8 and 30 for you! This doesn’t cover the entirety of the evening, and I don’t intend to, but those are some snippets to cover my bases!

On 24, I’m thankful to say I don’t recall being explicitly instructed to remove my shoes for any purpose that gave me reason to fear. If my shoes come off, it’s usually of my own volition and conception both.

Numbers 17 and 32 are another combination because I both attempted and succeeded, naturally. I have this nasty tendency to get what I want. Oops 😘🤗 It was a casual day last year in my dorm, and I was in a lounge watching a movie with a couple friends. One was a sister/good friend, the other a a good guy friend. Both knew I was sensitive, but my sister totally isn't when she doesn't want to be (like WTF I still don't know how she controls it?!). However, my dear friend totally is. It's super adorable. I didn't start it, but I totally didn't stop her when she starting poking at his stomach and he started squirming and trying to catch her hands. I was initially staying out of it because I didn't have a death wish, but he was between the two of us and it was just too easy because he couldn't fight the both of us, at least not well. Eventually I got the threat: "You're way worse than me! Keep doing that and you WILL get it back ten times as bad." It was effective for a bit, getting me to stop. And then a little poke. And then a couple more. Casual, spaced out, sneaky. No repercussions. I thought I had escaped, which felt like both victory and defeat. My sister had to go to some meeting, so it was just me and my friend. There was about 30 seconds of silence, just watching whatever movie was on - I couldn't tell you for the life of me what it was. And then: "Okay this has been a long time coming." I've never seen him move that quickly, but his arms shot out and his hands were tickling my stomach and sides before I had time to move or block. And oh was he right, I did get it ten times worse than I gave. For like 15 minutes. Of course he was terribly pleased the entire time I was writhing and squealing - apparently I make entertaining noises and he continues to point that out. It was the worst great kind of thing to happen on a lazy Saturday.

I know I'm totally and completely out of order on these, but hey, why not go with number 11 now? It was a girl's night, with PJs and cookie dough and pizza and I may or may not have been a little tipsy. It was just a little teeny tiny bit of a floaty feeling, I swear! But now I must regrettably inform you, darling reader, how sensitive I can be. Not always! But sometimes it's really bad. So picture this: I'm lounging on the couch, surrounded by my three or four friends, and one casually comments she likes my toenail polish color. Which would be fine and dandy—I was pretty fond of my signature OPI Big Apple Red too—if she didn't touch it. She didn't touch my skin, or even near it. She rubbed the polish on my big toe nail. And I still squeaked, my eyes wide as saucers, my toes curled, and biting my lip hard. Everyone in the room stopped and looked at me, most surprised and a little quizzical. "Are you really that ticklish? Oh my god." And so she did it again, and I jumped. And again, repeatedly, and I started squirming and trying to hold back giggles. And then she touched my toes and arches and I lost any sense of what was going on except for the fact that my friends were figuring out, some for the first time, how outrageously ticklish I am and having fun with it. I squirmed so much, desperate for an end to my embarrassed and unavoidable giggling, that I didn't realize it stopped until my feet were very warm. I opened my eyes. I had literally shoved my feet underneath my friend while she was sitting because her as was protecting them. It was shocking and hilarious enough that she did stop, but the damage had been done. All too many people know about how sensitive I am.

And finally, number 20 is about a pedicure. Which I've already written about. Fairly extensively throughout my blog. No offense, but if you want it you’re welcome to go searching because I’ve written a ton here already. Cool beans?

Thanks for tuning in! If you're interested in me verbalizing any of these experiences, feel free to check out my commission guidelines as they currently stand and pop onto my Ko-Fi with your request! Or just message me your business proposal, direct and upfront about your intentions in my DMs or inbox.

[irinka-dance-blog]

Last night felt like a dream.... real, but kind of unbelievable at the same time.

I feel like I'm floating in a bubble of happiness, so so thankful for everyone who helped out with this show, from my wonderful cast and hardworking crew (shoutout to Rachel, who amazed me with her resilience and creativity as assistant director - this was the first show she's ever been in!!), and to all the volunteers who helped set up the performance and art exhibition. And I'm especially thankful for my amazing mother, who stayed up the night before, baking food for the bake sale/concession stand, then manning the concession stand during the show along with Nina's mother!​​

After two months of hard work, everything came together in such an incredible way, I could not have asked for a more rewarding experience.

THE SHOW

In the two weeks leading up to the showcase, everything was flowing quite smoothly.

Rachel and I would spend a majority of our time in Design Lab either cutting out these huge snowflakes for decoration, or painting the flats and platforms for the set.

Priya would write up our blog posts for the class, and help us whenever we needed a hand.

Last week, I posted a reflection on rehearsals, specifically group song rehearsals, with a video attached of us learning the sign language for Song of Purple Summer. Go check that out!

I had a crap ton of loose ends to tie up.

I had to revise the entire show program/playbill because we made a bunch of changes to the scenes and lineup of acts at the last minute. So throughout the school day (during lunch and Design Lab), I sat down and rushed to make the necessary changes.

Rachel, darling that she is, made sure that the set was finished and then helped me make the programs look nice. We stayed after school so that we could print the programs (and boy did that take a lot of time) and set up the art show.

I'm going to bow down to *queen* Rachel because she is truly a powerhouse. She took charge of setting up the entire art show, and she did a fantastic job with it!

The art itself was abso-frickin-lutely amazing! We hung strings of lights around the auditorium lobby for decoration, and the entire exhibition looked breath-taking.

We had a cue-to-cue rehearsal yesterday from 5:30, before the show. 

We desperately needed it, because we hadn't run the show in its entirety yet. The actual cue-to-cue went well, credit to the cast and crew for working so well together and coming prepared - everyone knew when their scenes were, where to be, etc.

We had some technical issues as we were starting the cue-to-cue: at first NONE of the stage lights were working! 

RJ, who was doing lights and tech, ran an extension chord from the catwalk above the stage down to a table backstage, connecting the stage lights to his light board so that he could control them. For some reason, even though the extension chord was plugged and showed that it was working, the lights wouldn't respond when RJ put them on. This was happening less than an hour before the show started. We decided to run through the cue-to-cue regardless, using just the spotlight and making sure that the acts and scene changes ran smoothly.RJ went up to the catwalk to try and fix the light issue. (He did eventually, but we still don't know why they weren't working)

Then, another problem came up: we realized that we had gotten the wrong microphones. 

We had to borrow microphones from the school office (4 lapel mics and 2 handhelds), since we didn't have our own. (When we found out that lapel mics were an option, we were super excited, because they allow for a much greater range of motion and the user doesn't have to worry about how they're holding them.)

* Quick side note: I made an incredibly stupid mistake earlier that day - I forgot to get the mics from the office. I was setting up the stage for the cue-to-cue when RJ asked me, "hey Irina, where are the microphones?". 

I froze. 

The only thing running through my head was 'holy shit holy shit holy shit'. 

And I took off, running to find one of the janitors. The mics were locked in a safe in one of the office closets, and only the administrators knew the code to that safe. I nearly broke down when I remembered that. All of this planning and hard work, going up in flames because I was stupid enough to forget to get the microphones. Thankfully, it turned out that there was a basketball game going on at that exact time, and one of the administrators was there. She unlocked the safe, I got the microphones, and booked it back to the auditorium in record time. **

The sound board backstage could only have 3 mics on at a time - either 2 lapels and 1 handheld or vice versa. And only certain mics could be turned on at the same time (for example, only lapel 1 and 3 could be on at the same time, and only 2 and 4 could be put on together), same thing with the handheld mics.​​

During dress rehearsal on Wednesday, Rachel and RJ had made sure to connect each of our microphones to the correct channel in the sound system, and they could only work if they were synced to that channel. When we started to do the cue-to-cue, we realized that we had borrowed the wrong handheld microphone, and that it wouldn't work with any of the other mics that we had. Thankfully, Rachel figured out that we could just sync the microphone to one of the other channels, so we got back on track again. 

We ended up pushing opening back 15 minutes; instead of letting people in at 6:30, we let them in at 6:45. Everyone was rushing around backstage, making final touches to their makeup, making sure the mics were in order, and getting in their places.

And then the show started.

The curtains open with me standing center stage, on the square platform. 

My heart is pounding, my stomach in knots. I let out a slow breath, trying to calm my pulse. I close my eyes for a second, blinded by the spotlight, then look out at the audience. Vague black shapes can be seen in the audience, with faces peeking out here and there. My eyes immediately find Gillian, sitting down in the audience. My muscles relax, and I start speaking.

"This is for the fat girls.This is for the little brothers.This is for the schoolyard wimps and the childhood bullies that tormented them.For the former prom queen and for the milk crate ball players,for the nighttime cereal eaters and for the retired elderly Walmart storefront door greeters. Shake the dust."

After that opening poem (Shake the Dust by Anis Mojgani), the entire night was a blur.

At first I was really worried, rushing around to make sure that everyone was at their places and had their mics, that the crew knew what set change was next and that everyone was quiet backstage. But after a while I realized that I didn't need to micro-manage it all.

I stepped back and let everyone do their thing, and guess what - it went perfectly! 

I stood behind the flats that hid the backstage area and watched each act, tearing up a little at a sad poem, laughing when Ivy went out to read a Shakespearean soliloquy. And I was amazed at how wonderful each act was, how well the audience responded, how everything just fell into place.

At the end of the show, everyone took their bows and waved to the audience. Then Nina stepped forward as the curtains were closing, telling everyone to wait a second. She was holding a bouquet of roses, and pulled me, bumbling mess I was, forward with her. And as she thanked me for organizing the showcase, I looked around at all my friends, surrounding me on stage, and I thought "this is why I do theater. This is what makes it all worth it".

And now, just a day later, post-show depression is hitting me, hard.

That's probably why this post is really sappy and mushy, but I'm going to let myself wallow in it for a little while longer.

[theantisocialcritic]

This AntiSocial Life: My Top Fifteen Criterion Collection Recommendations

One of the most interesting things I find about other people is what kinds of entertainment they stock their personal library with. Perusing people’s collections is a great way to immediately sum up a person’s tastes, beliefs and priorities because it shows you what a person is willing to pay for to have next to them in their house. I’d judge a person with the complete collection of Jane Austin’s published works differently than someone with a complete collection of Chuck Norris’s filmography. I feel this fascination is shared by a number of people on the internet. This is the reason why videos of popular film reviewers sharing their entire movies collections are so popular on YouTube. People want to know what kinds of movies the people whose opinion they respect personally go out of their way to purchase and put on display. 

I’m bringing this up now because July is one of the four times a year that the Criterion Collection goes on sale. If you’re not familiar with it, I applaud your money saving ignorance. The Criterion Collection is a collection of hundreds of critically acclaimed and culturally influential movies that are curated by a small group of industry professionals for the purposes of helping historically and artistically vital films find distribution. The collection prides itself on providing the highest available quality video transfers, commentary tracks, essays and collections possible to best fully make your purchase of one of their movies worth the expense. That’s important because Criterion Collection DVDs and Blu-rays can run you a pretty penny. At the normal price, DVDs run an average of $30 and Blu-rays an average of $40. Special collections in the Criterion Collection of multiple movies can run anywhere between $100 and $300 at a normal price depending on the size of the set. Criterion has no choice but to make every release they make worth the full price purchase. Thankfully most fans of the Collection rarely have to buy at full price. Four times a year, the Criterion Collection’s website and Barnes and Noble run sales each February, July, September and November where all Criterion movies are sold as 50% off. This tends to be the time when most people who purchase from the collection binge purchase multiple movies they want. 

I’ve been a long term fan of the collection since approximately 2014. In the leadup to Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar, I purchased my first Criterion Blu-ray which was a copy of his first film Following. Since then I've lined nearly two full shelves on my DVD shelf with Criterion Collection movies. As the July Barnes and Noble sale is currently in full steam until August 4th, I wanted to offer a quick shoutout to the collection and offer a quick starting place of some of my favorite titles to begin seeking out if any of this sounds interesting to you. I’m offering these recommendations now not because I owe anything to the Criterion Collection. I’m doing this out of brand loyalty. The Criterion Collection has delivered consistently in terms of quality and detail since I’ve begun supporting them. There have been only a few rare occasions where the film I bought was something I didn’t like (cough cough Traffik) and often the films I don’t enjoy the first time improves upon multiple viewings. For anyone who regularly follows me on Geeks Under Grace and Legal Insurrection, I hope this offers a brief look into my tastes as a cinephile and offers a glimpse into what it is I prioritize in my favorite movies. 

I should note though that this is not a definitive MUST OWN list of great and culturally significant movies in the Criterion Collection. If I were making that list I’d be recommending films like 81/2, Breathless and Seven Samurai. There are also a ton of movies in the collection I enjoy and recognize for their importance that doesn’t make this list. Certainly, every Charlie Chaplin, Harold Lloyd and great silent film in the collection deserves a watch too (see: The Passion of Joan of Arc). Similarly, there are movies in the collection I haven’t been able to purchase because they’re out of print. The Third Man and Diary of a Country Priest are great films in the collection but some older DVDs are so rare that they’re effectively impossible to attain. 

Without further ado, here are fifteen of my favorite Criterion Collection releases in my collection (in alphabetical order)! 

1. 12 Angry Men

I owe the venerable Chris Stuckmann credit for this first recommendation as he recommended it on his youtube channel years ago. This wonderful small scall drama is far from an accurate representation of an actual jury proceeding (as I’ve been told, it would’ve been thrown out for relitigating the case) but it is an enthralling thriller that makes the most of a room full of characters we never fully learn the names of. Despite that, its a movie that lives and breaths and lets the prejudices and beliefs of each character bounce off one another until the final harrowing minutes. What’s at stake isn’t merely one man’s life but the process of justice itself played out in a cramped, boiling hot jury room. 

2. Blow Out

Brian De Palma is often considered the successor to Alfred Hitchcock. As much as I love his films (Untouchables, Scarface, etc), I find his work to be excessively pulpy at times. They’ve definitely got their heart on their sleeves at times. Of his filmography though, Blow Out is one of my favorites. This beautifully made conspiracy thriller and a remake of Antonioni’s Blow Up represents one of his most thematically complex and dense works ever; a satire of both Hollywood and 70s politics led by a spectacular John Travolta performance. 

3. Brazil

I could’ve put any Terry Gilliam film on this list and been just as justified but what beats out Brazil as his enduring masterpiece? I almost put The Fisher King on the list in its place since that one is growing to be my favorite film in his filmography but his first breakout dystopian science fiction film is the one that people remember his for. At once a merging of his impulses as the former animator of Monty Python, a dark comedy riffing on 1984 and an art deco masterpiece featuring some of the best production design in film history, Brazil is worth adding to your collection. 

4. Chimes at Midnight

Orson Welles once said that if he ever had to use a film as his excuse to get into Heaven, Chimes at Midnight would be the film he used to make his case. Despite the film’s criminally low budget (the crew couldn’t even afford to hire audio techs), the movie’s brilliant lighting, energic cinematography, excellent lead performance by Welles merges into a near singular vision. This is a story about revelry, the tragic story of a young adventurous prince who must learn to put his life of hedonism and joy behind him for the sake of his destiny. If you can get past the occasionally impenetrable dialog, the movie opens up into one of the most exciting and well made Shakespeare adaptations of all time. 

5. A Face in the Crowd

Elia Kazan is a name every film buff should know from On the Waterfront and A Streetcar Name Desire alone. Kazan was a daring and masterful filmmaker by the standards of any time with the bravery to buck social stigmas and take stands against the powers that be even when it was difficult. Of all his films though, this unassuming Andy Griffith film stands as one of his most contrarian and cynical films. This story of an ex-criminal turned populist celebrity with a massive cult of personality wasn’t popular in its day but is receiving a massive critical reanalysis in a time when actual populists and cults of personalities are quite normal. 

6. The Flowers of St. Assisi

As a non-catholic, I’m sure this unassuming episodic film about the life of one of the church's most famous saints is less vital and emotionally affecting to me than it would be to someone who has undergone confirmation. Still, this rather unassuming little film is one I can’t deny enjoying. It’s not showy, it’s not grand, and it doesn’t even have an overarching narrative beyond the basic setup of watching a group of priests form a convent to purposely live in poverty as to better connect with Christ. At the same time, it’s more charming and approachable than most films about faith. It’s better to live out faith than preach to the choir (cough cough Pureflix).

7. Following

The first films of great filmmakers are always exciting. With these, you get to see how great minds were able to work within practical limitations. Christopher Nolan’s first film, shot with only a few thousand dollars, bears a remarkable similarity to his later time stretching, existential, neo-noir thrillers like Memento and Inception. Additionally, the criterion collection copies of this film come with Nolan’s student films. For fans of modern cinema’s favorite spectacle filmmaker, this is required viewing for completionists. 

8. Gojira

It may surprise you to learn that the original Godzilla film and it’s American remake Godzilla: King of the Monsters are in the Criterion Collection. As a fan of the series, this is a must own if just for the commentary tracks on the movies. Having high-quality transfers of one of the best films in the series is great but getting to learn the ins and outs of the series from a legitimate film scholar is what cinches the deal on this excellent Blu-ray set. 

9. House of Games

The more you watch David Mamet, the more you’ll learn to love his very specific niche of storytelling. Untouchables is easily his most accessible film but this moody, atmospheric con-man thriller is easily one of his masterpieces. Though a recent addition to the collection for me, after a single viewing it’s already nearing the top of my favorite films in the collection. House of Games is a masterful, hypnotic, low boiling thriller full of smart characters that you love to watch interact with one another. 

10. Inside Llewyn Davis

For shame. There are only two Coen Brothers films in the Criterion Collection. Of the two, Inside Llewyn Davis is my favorite (the other one being Blood Simple). Though one of the less showy and popular of the Coen Brother’s impressive filmography (Big Lebowski, True Grit, No Country for Old Men, etc) it's arguably one of their strongest films. This tragic tale of a failing folk singer still grieving over the suicide of his musical partner is lead in one of Oscar Isaac’s greatest performances and one of the more painfully somber films in their filmography. 

11. Le Samurai

Style is the key word of this classic French crime film. The movie, much like it’s lead character’s apartment, is immensely sparse but purposeful. Our enigmatic lead is a deeply focused and committed assassin who gets caught in a situation wherein he must evade authorities and survive. The movie is gorgeous to look at, engaging and supremely satisfying to watch. 

12. The Night of the Hunter

Charles Laughton’s sole directing create is one of the most haunting and quietly unsettling films of all time. Settling in a strange niche between a horror film and a noir morality tale, the film portrays the great Robert Mitchum as a fanatical priest (of sorts) who seeks to marry his way into wealth before killing his new bride and riding off into the sunset with his fortune. Unfortunately for him, this task is stopped by the woman’s children who seize the money and proceed to flee from the stalking figure of the priest. It’s a strange but powerful parable, unlike anything you’ve probably seen. 

13. Red River

Tarantino once said that Howard Hawkes was one of the few directors who never stopped making good movies. It’s hard to argue with that. Hawkes’ style and consistency are tangible across his career. Amusingly this might actually be one of the only westerns I’ve seen yet that actually deals with the history of the short-lived but real career of the cowboys. The story details one of the first cattle drives from Texas to Oklahoma before the railroads rendered that career pointless. It also represents one of the rare antagonist roles John Wayne sparsely portrayed in his long career. 

14. Stagecoach 

It’s strange that only 3 of John Fords hundreds of films are in the Criterion Collection. Certainly, some of his rare or early work like The Iron Horse or They Were Expendable deserve a proper transfer into the collection. Alas, the three we have are excellent transfers. My Darling Clementine, Young Mr. Lincoln and his enduring masterpiece Stagecoach are all part of the collection. Of those three, his 1939 classic western is my favorite. This was the movie that established by John Ford and John Wayne as part of the Golden Age of Hollywood’s greatest artists and myth makers. 

15. To Be or Not to Be

Those who are fans of Mel Brook’s The Producers will understand right away why this is one of the films that most influenced him. Set against the Nazi invasion of Poland in September of 1939, a troupe of actors finds themselves part of a resistance movement against the occupation who must use their unique talents to escape to England. It’s a dark film at times but it comes with some of the funniest comedy you’ll see in a movie about the Second World War. 

How about you? Are you a Criterion Collection Fan too? What are some of your favorites? Comment down below or Tweet me @AntiSocialCriti with some of your favorite films in the collection! 

[thedailyducky]

50 mile Ultra Trail Race

So this weekend I ran the Sulphur Springs Trail race 50 miler, while my boyfriend, Leo ran the 100 mile race. 

The race was completed in 20km loops, 4 for me, 8 for Leo. 

The First 3 Laps

My first lap, I ran with Adam, a friend of Leo’s, who was running the 100 miler as well. The pace felt very comfortable, although I knew Adam was a way better athlete than me, I figured he was running twice as far, so it was OK to roll with him for a bit since it felt more than easy. I’m not sure whether or not this was a mistake in retrospect, but in any case, I cruised in to the drop bin/supply area after the first loop a whole hour under my planned pace (about 2 hours, when I had planned on starting VERY conservatively at 3). This first lap, all the hills felt super easy, the climbing seemed negligible to me (~600m elevation gain per loop). It was all good.

The second lap, I started in still feeling great. I had a relatively fast first 7km or so. Soon though, some of my muscles started to react to the pounding and the climbing. I was in a little bit of pain, but overall though, it wasn’t too bad. I gave myself some leeway to walk a bit longer if I needed to, after the climbs. Even so, I STILL came in under 3 hours for that second lap. I mentioned to Leo’s pit crew (Kevin and Joe, they were AMAZING) that I was beginning to feel it a little bit, but hoped to have a second wind soon.

Meanwhile, the sun was getting higher, and the day was starting to really heat up. I got in to my 3rd lap feeling Ok, but not great. I’m not sure if my pace was just not sustainable, or if it was the heat, or what, but after about the 50k mark (about halfway in to lap 3), things started to go sideways. 

Things Went Badly

My nutrition plan was to take in between 50-100 cals every half hour. You NEED to keep up the calorie intake to get this sort of thing done, so my plan was to trickle food, rather than bomb down 200-300 cals every hour (some people do this). At around 50km my body just started rejecting food. Everything I put in would come up shortly after. I tried waiting a little bit longer, maybe 45 mins, before trying again, and I puked almost as soon as I swallowed an electrolyte jelly candy. This had me worried, as it was hot, and I was creeping up on an hour without food. I tried drinking a little, and that was OK, but overall I was feeling very nauseous and uneasy.

When I hit 60k, I was still not back (the loops were closer to 23km, rather than exactly 20) and I became very worried about my state. I wasn’t taking in food, it was very hot, and I couldn’t get my body moving very fast. I decided around then that I would make it back and then drop out. It had been too long since I had any calories, I was feeling very nauseous, and my body was rebelling. It was smarter to just pack it in.

I arrived at the supply area after a roughly 3:30 loop. I sat in the tent while Leo’s pit crew and friends tried to convince me to go back out. I declined, as I didn’t want to wreck my body, and I was happy with my 60+km day.

I went to the race director and chip timers to let them know I was pulling out, and they said “hey you know, if you start feeling better, you can always jump back in” since the cutoff for the 50miler and the 100 miler was the same: 30hrs. I said “OK” thinking “yeah that will never happen” and went back to the tent to get an update on Leo and start helping his pit crew.

Meanwhile...Leo’s Race

Leo was doing phenomenally well. He was in the lead, ripping a ridiculous pace, and came in to the 50 mile mark at about 8 hours, which was just absurd. His pit crew got him in and out super quickly, and everyone spectating the race was excited and amazed at his time.

As the lead group was expected for the end of the 5th lap though, things changed. The previously chasing group came in, as we continued to wait for Leo. Finally he arrived, but he was not in great shape. He had hurt his foot, and he was falling behind on his nutrition. Hit pit crew did their best to sort him out, with the help of his friends and coworkers from his gym. He changed shoes and set out again. 

In the meantime, I had finally started taking food in, and had gone to the hotel, picked up ducky, was walking her around back at the race area. The beating on my feet and muscles and joints was starting to catch up to me, but otherwise I was feeling a bit better once I had some energy coming back in to my body. I was happy to help Leo and chill at the drop area with my dog.

For Leo’s 6th lap we adjusted our expectations to look for him after almost 3 hours.  When it came close to time to expect Leo, we went back over to the checkpoint/pit area and waited. We waited and waited... Leo was way behind pace. He came in almost an hour later (almost a 4 hour lap). It was NOT looking good. He had begun to really hurt. Nutrition plan still out of whack, muscles rebelling, ankle injured, feet hurting. He set out on his 7th lap hobbling and hurting.

At this point, Kevin and Joe (Leo’s pit crew) and I had to discuss what to do. Leo had one lap left and was falling apart hard. He was clocking much slower laps, he was having mechanical problems (problems you can’t solve by forcing food down or covering yourself in ice). Joe had to leave eventually, as he had work Sunday morning (it was the middle of the night Saturday night, at this point) and Kevin was his ride. We felt that it was inevitable that Leo would either have to drop, or head out with a pacer for safety. Kevin and Joe were each willing to go (although only one pacer was allowed), but the concern was growing that they wouldn’t have the TIME to pace Leo and still have time to get Joe back to the city for work. 

Un-pulling out. Re-entering the race

I decided that I would offer to finish my last lap with Leo, to help him finish his own. I was worried about Leo’s safety, and I knew that he would not accept dropping unless he was dead or comatose. I was also worried that he would die or fall into a coma alone in the woods halfway through. So Joe drove me back to the hotel to drop off Ducky, and change back into racing clothes.

When I got back to the race site, we didn’t expect Leo for another hour. 

I sat in the tent and thought about what I was planning to do. My body hurt, I was dead tired, both from the 60km I had already run, and the sleep deprivation (having woken up at 3:30 that morning, and coming up on 1 am). A part of me hoped Leo would decline my offer, drop out, or miraculously get a second wind and come charging through ready to rip the last lap. 

When we thought he might be close, we headed over to the pit area, and kept a lookout. We waited and waited and waited... It wasn’t until after 2AM that Leo finally came shuffling up the hill. He was in very rough shape. I asked him what he wanted to do. 

He wanted me to come with him, to get it done together.

I went over to the race director and chip timers and asked them if I could still go back out. “Yes of course” they said, I still had plenty of time, but naturally my last lap would clock the entire elapsed time since I finished my 3rd (which by then was already 12 hours!!)

I headed out with Leo, coaxing him along, trying to get him to hit at least a 12:00min/km pace. Even that proved too fast. He was slightly delirious, in pain, exhausted.

I made my focus his survival, basically. I knew it would help us both get through. I badgered him to eat and drink almost every 15 minutes. Monitored his pee, forced him to get up the numerous times he just plunked down on the ground in exhaustion and agony.

We trudged through the dead of night, and watched the sun rise. We spotted some deer, got eaten alive by mosquitos and finally

We Finished.

Almost as soon as I crossed the finish line, a dull ache in my foot that I had been feeling for at least 10km went into overdrive. Suddenly that foot could barely bear weight, and I realized it was exceptionally swollen.

It Was Not Over...

Leo went to sit down in the pit area, while I hobbled over to find our stuff which Kevin and Joe had neatly piled before heading back to the city (like I said, they were AMAZING). The pain in my foot was steadily growing, and the thought of going back and forth from the tent area to the car with all the heavy bags and crap almost made me want to cry. I genuinely didn’t know if I could do it. But I knew I had to soon, because we had to get to the hotel and get Ducky before the check out deadline at the hotel.

I hobbled back over to Leo to see how he was. As he sat, and the adrenaline wore off, he suddenly began to crash. Medics had to lift him onto a stretcher after he lost consciousness and slumped off the chair.

I gave them answers to all his identity and health questions while I internally freaked out. I sat out of the way in a chair while the pain pulsed in my foot and Leo’s head lolled about and he slurred some jokes about running another 100 tomorrow. The three medics were amazingly kind and helpful. He was in good hands.

Once it was clear Leo was stable, I knew I had to get to the car and go to the hotel and get Ducky. It would be awfully weird for the cleaning crew to find a little dog in what they thought was a vacated hotel room!

Walking to the car hurt like hell. Driving hurt like hell. When I got Ducky, I thanked the Me of the past for packing up our stuff the night before. I loaded Ducky into the car and headed back to the race site again.

The medics helped us get our stuff into the car. Then they loaded Leo in as well. 

In the car, Leo was able to book us an extra day at the hotel. So we headed back there and just went back to our same room (shoutout to the staff at that Super8 for being hella nice), ordered pizza, and laid down. 

Final Thoughts

Overall I give it a 6/10. 

Ten points because the race was organized so well, the organizers were so incredibly nice, the trail was cool and beautiful and easy non-technical terrain, the other runners were supportive and kind and cool. 

But I’ll take away points for my own experience and choices: I want to finish a 50miler the proper way (without a 12 hour break in the middle), I want to prepare my body better for the calorie management, and for the pounding my feet and legs will take (In my training, I definitely needed more time on my feet overall: longer runs, higher km weeks), AND most of all, I want LEO AND I BOTH to learn to not push just for the sake of pushing. I don’t actually think it was at all worth it for Leo to finish in the shape he was in, and to be honest, the shit my foot took at the end there was unwarranted too.

I am lucky that it seems to be improving. Advil, wrapping and rest seem to have improved the swelling and pain dramatically, but it is still swollen, and I am not sure yet if the injury is serious. The moral of the story is, its OK to pull out sometimes and save your body for next time. Things don’t always go as planned and it’s not a big deal to pack it in a try again later.

I am glad though that I was able to finish after all, and to do it while helping Leo make it through too. 

[ongames]

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents

Easter is less than a week away, and parents are gearing up for egg hunts, creepy bunny photos and serious sugar highs.

As with any holiday, having kids makes Easter extra chaotic ... and extra hilarious too. We scoured Twitter and found 49 funny tweets from parents about celebrating Easter. 

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

Just explained to my kids that sometimes an evil bunny comes and eats kids' Easter candy on the night of Easter.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 28, 2016

I forgot to buy Easter eggs for the hunt this morning so I told my kids that this year the bunny hid them REALLY well.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 5, 2015

My kids can find 75K plastic eggs hidden outside, but they can't pick up one Lego in the middle of the walkway. #Easter

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 27, 2016

Step 1: Paint Jesus on an Easter Egg. Step 2: Hide the Easter Egg. Step 3: Yell, "You need to find Jesus!" At all the little children.

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) March 27, 2016

It's 10:30 at night. Should I tell my kids to give up on the Easter egg hunt or just let them keep looking?

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) March 28, 2016

Based on all of the practice my daughters get looking for shoes, Easter eggs don't stand a chance this year.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2015

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2017

Shoutout to all the parents who wrestled their screaming toddlers into Brunch clothes this #Easter.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 27, 2016

This is my family after our Easter brunch. I share it b/c NO ONE ASKED THE EASTER BUNNY TO POSE WITH US http://pic.twitter.com/OEFYDmgqag

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 5, 2015

Kids really do make the holidays magical and bright. Like, take Easter for example. Did you know vomit comes in pastels, too?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2016

For real Easter dinner fun, serve rabbit to the kids' table.

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) March 27, 2016

My 8 year old said that he hopes the Easter Egg Hunt is more of a challenge this year so I'm buying a bunch of mouse traps.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 17, 2016

The Easter baskets are down to just robin eggs and black jelly beans. This is my official cry for help.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 1, 2016

Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. - Every parent on Easter

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 27, 2016

Still waiting for this toddler to find the Easter Eggs that are literally sitting in the grass right in front of them.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 29, 2016

My kid started using air quotes when saying "Easter Bunny," so I started using air quotes when talking about his "Easter candy."

— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 4, 2015

*8 year old walks into kitchen* "Daddy, I have some questions about the Easter bunny." *wife walks into kitchen* *I cartwheel out*

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 29, 2016

Parenting Tip: Strip down to your skivvies before stealing your kid's easter candy so you can pretend to be sleepwalking if you get caught.

— HammBone (@hammbone84) April 6, 2016

Toddler found two and a half eggs at the Easter egg hunt. Yeah, HALF. No one was messing around during that thing.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Hey, everyone! Look how much Easter I'm having! *Posts all the obnoxious kid and bunny and Easter basket and egg hunt pictures*

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 28, 2016

Do you think Easter is the number 1 holiday for child vehicular barfing?

— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) March 27, 2016

Easter: Hunt for eggs. Day After Easter: Can't go anywhere without seeing and stepping on plastic egg tops and bottoms.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2016

One fun part about Easter is how your kids spend the entire day getting jacked up on candy and then you remember it's a school night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

We covered our backyard in candy-filled Easter eggs. My 1-year-old picked up zero eggs and one piece of dog poop. Money well spent.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014

"He can't drink the Easter egg dye." Submitted By: Ashley http://pic.twitter.com/SsRvbqaA4k

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 28, 2016

When did "Easter crafts" become a thing? What happened to the good old days of putting an egg in all the dye colors & watching it turn ugly?

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 22, 2016

Serious question. When does the Easter Bunny come by to pick up all the kids he just loaded up with candy? #parenting

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 28, 2016

FYI: Talking into a half-eaten hollow chocolate bunny makes your voice louder, in case anyone needs their Easter candy to be more obnoxious

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 30, 2016

My kids have figured out every hiding spot I have in this house, so I guess I have no choice but to finish this stash of Easter candy now.

— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 29, 2016

How Easter candy is really made http://pic.twitter.com/EuEJpTSIUz

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 27, 2016

A cute and scientific thing I tell my kids is that the Easter Bunny's body would flop around for several minutes after decapitation.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 28, 2017

Pro Tip: Christmas lights can double as Easter lights if *you* leave them up long enough. *we*

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017

4 yr old son: "That Jesus guy came back from the dead and saw all these people? So then he's a zombie?"#Easter

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 27, 2016

5: here's the thing about chocolate: it's delicious. Me: is that it? 5: yes. Me: ok. 5: and I found an Easter egg from last year & ate it.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 2, 2017

Jesus died on the cross so you could put pictures of your kid's Easter basket on Facebook.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2015

I forgot to post a picture of my kids in their Easter clothes on Facebook yesterday and now DCFS is knocking on my door.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 21, 2014

*Morgan Freeman narrates "Alex thought he'd controlled his demons, but as soon as the Cadbury Easter Eggs went on display, it was all over."

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) January 15, 2017

While we were sleeping, did Easter become Halloween Part 2/Mini-Christmas?? (Some of these baskets, man.)

— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) April 21, 2014

Celebrating Easter by being woke up at 5:15am and letting my kid her weight in chocolate before the sun comes up just like the Lord intended

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 27, 2016

[Wipes chocolate from face and brushes candy dust from lap.] I hate those cliche tweets about parents eating all their kids Easter candy.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) March 28, 2016

Hey Gals, don't forget to check Pinterest today for ideas on upcycling your Easter bonnet into an April Fool's Day chapeau.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 30, 2016

People who say “Hoppy Easter!” make me feel like Jesus isn’t risen.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 27, 2016

Real text to my husband: "Easter stuff is ready for the attic. But, please, whatever you do, keep the Christmas welcome mat outside okay?"

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) April 13, 2016

Behind every photo of kids coloring eggs is a parent screaming and threatening to take away Easter.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 27, 2016

My 8yo son asked for a smart phone for Easter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Everything about that phrase is ridiculous.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 6, 2017

The Easter Bunny doesn't talk, so here are the kids awkwardly looking at each other like, What do we do now? http://pic.twitter.com/iTMDTx2VWe

— Aaron Schmidt (@byaaronschmidt) March 26, 2016

What came first? The tantrum over leaving a giant basket of candy at home, or the egg hunt? #Easter

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents published first on http://ift.tt/2lnpciY

[yes-dal456]

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents

Easter is less than a week away, and parents are gearing up for egg hunts, creepy bunny photos and serious sugar highs.

As with any holiday, having kids makes Easter extra chaotic ... and extra hilarious too. We scoured Twitter and found 49 funny tweets from parents about celebrating Easter. 

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

Just explained to my kids that sometimes an evil bunny comes and eats kids' Easter candy on the night of Easter.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 28, 2016

I forgot to buy Easter eggs for the hunt this morning so I told my kids that this year the bunny hid them REALLY well.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 5, 2015

My kids can find 75K plastic eggs hidden outside, but they can't pick up one Lego in the middle of the walkway. #Easter

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 27, 2016

Step 1: Paint Jesus on an Easter Egg. Step 2: Hide the Easter Egg. Step 3: Yell, "You need to find Jesus!" At all the little children.

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) March 27, 2016

It's 10:30 at night. Should I tell my kids to give up on the Easter egg hunt or just let them keep looking?

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) March 28, 2016

Based on all of the practice my daughters get looking for shoes, Easter eggs don't stand a chance this year.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2015

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2017

Shoutout to all the parents who wrestled their screaming toddlers into Brunch clothes this #Easter.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 27, 2016

This is my family after our Easter brunch. I share it b/c NO ONE ASKED THE EASTER BUNNY TO POSE WITH US http://pic.twitter.com/OEFYDmgqag

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 5, 2015

Kids really do make the holidays magical and bright. Like, take Easter for example. Did you know vomit comes in pastels, too?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2016

For real Easter dinner fun, serve rabbit to the kids' table.

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) March 27, 2016

My 8 year old said that he hopes the Easter Egg Hunt is more of a challenge this year so I'm buying a bunch of mouse traps.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 17, 2016

The Easter baskets are down to just robin eggs and black jelly beans. This is my official cry for help.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 1, 2016

Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. - Every parent on Easter

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 27, 2016

Still waiting for this toddler to find the Easter Eggs that are literally sitting in the grass right in front of them.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 29, 2016

My kid started using air quotes when saying "Easter Bunny," so I started using air quotes when talking about his "Easter candy."

— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 4, 2015

*8 year old walks into kitchen* "Daddy, I have some questions about the Easter bunny." *wife walks into kitchen* *I cartwheel out*

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 29, 2016

Parenting Tip: Strip down to your skivvies before stealing your kid's easter candy so you can pretend to be sleepwalking if you get caught.

— HammBone (@hammbone84) April 6, 2016

Toddler found two and a half eggs at the Easter egg hunt. Yeah, HALF. No one was messing around during that thing.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Hey, everyone! Look how much Easter I'm having! *Posts all the obnoxious kid and bunny and Easter basket and egg hunt pictures*

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 28, 2016

Do you think Easter is the number 1 holiday for child vehicular barfing?

— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) March 27, 2016

Easter: Hunt for eggs. Day After Easter: Can't go anywhere without seeing and stepping on plastic egg tops and bottoms.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2016

One fun part about Easter is how your kids spend the entire day getting jacked up on candy and then you remember it's a school night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

We covered our backyard in candy-filled Easter eggs. My 1-year-old picked up zero eggs and one piece of dog poop. Money well spent.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014

"He can't drink the Easter egg dye." Submitted By: Ashley http://pic.twitter.com/SsRvbqaA4k

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 28, 2016

When did "Easter crafts" become a thing? What happened to the good old days of putting an egg in all the dye colors & watching it turn ugly?

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 22, 2016

Serious question. When does the Easter Bunny come by to pick up all the kids he just loaded up with candy? #parenting

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 28, 2016

FYI: Talking into a half-eaten hollow chocolate bunny makes your voice louder, in case anyone needs their Easter candy to be more obnoxious

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 30, 2016

My kids have figured out every hiding spot I have in this house, so I guess I have no choice but to finish this stash of Easter candy now.

— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 29, 2016

How Easter candy is really made http://pic.twitter.com/EuEJpTSIUz

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 27, 2016

A cute and scientific thing I tell my kids is that the Easter Bunny's body would flop around for several minutes after decapitation.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 28, 2017

Pro Tip: Christmas lights can double as Easter lights if *you* leave them up long enough. *we*

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017

4 yr old son: "That Jesus guy came back from the dead and saw all these people? So then he's a zombie?"#Easter

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 27, 2016

5: here's the thing about chocolate: it's delicious. Me: is that it? 5: yes. Me: ok. 5: and I found an Easter egg from last year & ate it.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 2, 2017

Jesus died on the cross so you could put pictures of your kid's Easter basket on Facebook.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2015

I forgot to post a picture of my kids in their Easter clothes on Facebook yesterday and now DCFS is knocking on my door.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 21, 2014

*Morgan Freeman narrates "Alex thought he'd controlled his demons, but as soon as the Cadbury Easter Eggs went on display, it was all over."

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) January 15, 2017

While we were sleeping, did Easter become Halloween Part 2/Mini-Christmas?? (Some of these baskets, man.)

— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) April 21, 2014

Celebrating Easter by being woke up at 5:15am and letting my kid her weight in chocolate before the sun comes up just like the Lord intended

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 27, 2016

[Wipes chocolate from face and brushes candy dust from lap.] I hate those cliche tweets about parents eating all their kids Easter candy.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) March 28, 2016

Hey Gals, don't forget to check Pinterest today for ideas on upcycling your Easter bonnet into an April Fool's Day chapeau.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 30, 2016

People who say “Hoppy Easter!” make me feel like Jesus isn’t risen.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 27, 2016

Real text to my husband: "Easter stuff is ready for the attic. But, please, whatever you do, keep the Christmas welcome mat outside okay?"

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) April 13, 2016

Behind every photo of kids coloring eggs is a parent screaming and threatening to take away Easter.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 27, 2016

My 8yo son asked for a smart phone for Easter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Everything about that phrase is ridiculous.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 6, 2017

The Easter Bunny doesn't talk, so here are the kids awkwardly looking at each other like, What do we do now? http://pic.twitter.com/iTMDTx2VWe

— Aaron Schmidt (@byaaronschmidt) March 26, 2016

What came first? The tantrum over leaving a giant basket of candy at home, or the egg hunt? #Easter

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from http://ift.tt/2orswP4 from Blogger http://ift.tt/2oYrcDP

[imreviewblog]

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents

Easter is less than a week away, and parents are gearing up for egg hunts, creepy bunny photos and serious sugar highs.

As with any holiday, having kids makes Easter extra chaotic ... and extra hilarious too. We scoured Twitter and found 49 funny tweets from parents about celebrating Easter. 

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

Just explained to my kids that sometimes an evil bunny comes and eats kids' Easter candy on the night of Easter.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 28, 2016

I forgot to buy Easter eggs for the hunt this morning so I told my kids that this year the bunny hid them REALLY well.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 5, 2015

My kids can find 75K plastic eggs hidden outside, but they can't pick up one Lego in the middle of the walkway. #Easter

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 27, 2016

Step 1: Paint Jesus on an Easter Egg. Step 2: Hide the Easter Egg. Step 3: Yell, "You need to find Jesus!" At all the little children.

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) March 27, 2016

It's 10:30 at night. Should I tell my kids to give up on the Easter egg hunt or just let them keep looking?

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) March 28, 2016

Based on all of the practice my daughters get looking for shoes, Easter eggs don't stand a chance this year.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2015

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2017

Shoutout to all the parents who wrestled their screaming toddlers into Brunch clothes this #Easter.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 27, 2016

This is my family after our Easter brunch. I share it b/c NO ONE ASKED THE EASTER BUNNY TO POSE WITH US http://pic.twitter.com/OEFYDmgqag

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 5, 2015

Kids really do make the holidays magical and bright. Like, take Easter for example. Did you know vomit comes in pastels, too?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2016

For real Easter dinner fun, serve rabbit to the kids' table.

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) March 27, 2016

My 8 year old said that he hopes the Easter Egg Hunt is more of a challenge this year so I'm buying a bunch of mouse traps.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 17, 2016

The Easter baskets are down to just robin eggs and black jelly beans. This is my official cry for help.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 1, 2016

Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. - Every parent on Easter

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 27, 2016

Still waiting for this toddler to find the Easter Eggs that are literally sitting in the grass right in front of them.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 29, 2016

My kid started using air quotes when saying "Easter Bunny," so I started using air quotes when talking about his "Easter candy."

— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 4, 2015

*8 year old walks into kitchen* "Daddy, I have some questions about the Easter bunny." *wife walks into kitchen* *I cartwheel out*

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 29, 2016

Parenting Tip: Strip down to your skivvies before stealing your kid's easter candy so you can pretend to be sleepwalking if you get caught.

— HammBone (@hammbone84) April 6, 2016

Toddler found two and a half eggs at the Easter egg hunt. Yeah, HALF. No one was messing around during that thing.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Hey, everyone! Look how much Easter I'm having! *Posts all the obnoxious kid and bunny and Easter basket and egg hunt pictures*

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 28, 2016

Do you think Easter is the number 1 holiday for child vehicular barfing?

— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) March 27, 2016

Easter: Hunt for eggs. Day After Easter: Can't go anywhere without seeing and stepping on plastic egg tops and bottoms.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2016

One fun part about Easter is how your kids spend the entire day getting jacked up on candy and then you remember it's a school night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

We covered our backyard in candy-filled Easter eggs. My 1-year-old picked up zero eggs and one piece of dog poop. Money well spent.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014

"He can't drink the Easter egg dye." Submitted By: Ashley http://pic.twitter.com/SsRvbqaA4k

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 28, 2016

When did "Easter crafts" become a thing? What happened to the good old days of putting an egg in all the dye colors & watching it turn ugly?

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 22, 2016

Serious question. When does the Easter Bunny come by to pick up all the kids he just loaded up with candy? #parenting

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 28, 2016

FYI: Talking into a half-eaten hollow chocolate bunny makes your voice louder, in case anyone needs their Easter candy to be more obnoxious

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 30, 2016

My kids have figured out every hiding spot I have in this house, so I guess I have no choice but to finish this stash of Easter candy now.

— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 29, 2016

How Easter candy is really made http://pic.twitter.com/EuEJpTSIUz

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 27, 2016

A cute and scientific thing I tell my kids is that the Easter Bunny's body would flop around for several minutes after decapitation.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 28, 2017

Pro Tip: Christmas lights can double as Easter lights if *you* leave them up long enough. *we*

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017

4 yr old son: "That Jesus guy came back from the dead and saw all these people? So then he's a zombie?"#Easter

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 27, 2016

5: here's the thing about chocolate: it's delicious. Me: is that it? 5: yes. Me: ok. 5: and I found an Easter egg from last year & ate it.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 2, 2017

Jesus died on the cross so you could put pictures of your kid's Easter basket on Facebook.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2015

I forgot to post a picture of my kids in their Easter clothes on Facebook yesterday and now DCFS is knocking on my door.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 21, 2014

*Morgan Freeman narrates "Alex thought he'd controlled his demons, but as soon as the Cadbury Easter Eggs went on display, it was all over."

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) January 15, 2017

While we were sleeping, did Easter become Halloween Part 2/Mini-Christmas?? (Some of these baskets, man.)

— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) April 21, 2014

Celebrating Easter by being woke up at 5:15am and letting my kid her weight in chocolate before the sun comes up just like the Lord intended

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 27, 2016

[Wipes chocolate from face and brushes candy dust from lap.] I hate those cliche tweets about parents eating all their kids Easter candy.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) March 28, 2016

Hey Gals, don't forget to check Pinterest today for ideas on upcycling your Easter bonnet into an April Fool's Day chapeau.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 30, 2016

People who say “Hoppy Easter!” make me feel like Jesus isn’t risen.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 27, 2016

Real text to my husband: "Easter stuff is ready for the attic. But, please, whatever you do, keep the Christmas welcome mat outside okay?"

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) April 13, 2016

Behind every photo of kids coloring eggs is a parent screaming and threatening to take away Easter.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 27, 2016

My 8yo son asked for a smart phone for Easter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Everything about that phrase is ridiculous.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 6, 2017

The Easter Bunny doesn't talk, so here are the kids awkwardly looking at each other like, What do we do now? http://pic.twitter.com/iTMDTx2VWe

— Aaron Schmidt (@byaaronschmidt) March 26, 2016

What came first? The tantrum over leaving a giant basket of candy at home, or the egg hunt? #Easter

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://huff.to/2pmklAE

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

What We Learned: St. Louis Blues bungle another player decision

(Hello, this is a feature that will run through the entire season and aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact or stupid opinion about each team. Feel free to complain about it.)

On Friday afternoon, the St. Louis Blues extended Patrik Berglund for five years and $3.85 million.

It goes without saying that it’s easy to get your mind stuck in the past a little bit, when $3.85 million was a pretty good-sized amount of money in the NHL’s cap structure. These days it’s only a little more than 5 percent of the total cap, so it’s not a killer or anything.

But this deal in particular also isn’t a good idea.

For one thing, there’s the term. Five years for what will be a 29-year-old middle-six forward who netted 137 points in his previous 327 games before the season started — about 34 per 82 games — doesn’t seem like a good investment.

[Follow Puck Daddy on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | Tumblr]

And he’s on pace for less than that this year, by the way. He has 17-7-24 in 60 games, which puts him at about 33 points. To be fair, it will be his first time clearing 30 points since 2013-14. Which, hey wait a second, why do you give that guy five years and a $150,000 raise on his current deal?

Well, you’ll never ever guess what happened. From Feb. 4-11, Berglund scored six goals in five games, including a hat trick at Montreal. So it turns out GM Doug Armstrong bought about as high as he possibly could on a player who’s fifth in 5-on-5 ice time on his team and drives possession a little bit, but whose primary production falls somewhere between that of Kyle Brodziak and the ghost of Alex Steen’s career.

Again, the money isn’t totally horrible but there’s also no need whatsoever to give out this contract. A raise is unjustifiable, but it’s minimal. The term is unconscionable. And it’s not the first time Armstrong has shown little to no understanding of how to evaluate his own players.

Look at the other big issue facing the Blues right now: The will-they-won’t-they with Kevin Shattenkirk. Trade him? Keep him? It’s been going on for years now. And while everyone has been praising Alex Pietrangelo to the heavens, he has consistently been the third-best defenseman on this team for two years now, behind both Colton Parayko and Shattenkirk. Why the hurry to offload a guy who drives your offense that much? He leads the Blues ‘D’ in primary points per 60 minutes across all situations the last two seasons, and by a sizable margin: The gap between Shattenkirk and Parayko is roughly equivalent to the gap between Parayko and Jay Bouwmeester.

Well, part of the reason for the do-si-do with Shattenkirk is obviously money, because he’s reportedly rejecting six years and $7 million AAV offers left, right, and center from potential suitors. The Blues don’t really have the cap space to make that work because Parayko needs a new contract this summer as well.

After the new Berglund deal, the Blues have about $8.5 million in cap space for next season with 18 players signed. Parayko needs a new deal, which should consume a huge chunk of that space. So yeah, you can argue Shattenkirk just got squeezed out by the flat cap.

But you know what would help them afford Shattenkirk — who in fact is fourth in the League in all-situations points per 60 over the past two seasons, behind only Burns, Hedman, and Hamilton — going forward?

If the middle of their lineup wasn’t glutted with wastes of money like Berglund.

After all, it wasn’t so long ago that the Blues gave Alex Steen, a fine player at the time, a huge new contract because he scored 24 goals in the first 34 games of the 2013-14 season. His career high to that point had been 24, rather coincidentally. What the Blues got in the three years over which that contract spanned has been the definition of diminishing returns: 24-40-64 the first year (very good!), 17-35-52 the second (also pretty good!), and then this year just12-27-39, and without the possession numbers that always made that contract stronger getting worse.

And they extended him for basically the same money and three more years before this season even started. That’s beginning to look like rather a bad investment in terms of on-ice value delivered per dollar, especially because Steen is almost 33 even before the new deal starts and has missed time in each of the past three seasons.

According to Corsica’s Similarity Calculator, the player Steen’s current season looks like most across all current statistical categories is Chuck Kobasew in 2007-08. (For the record, Berglund’s current closest comparable is last year’s version of Nick Bjugstad.) If people don’t like how Steen’s $5.8 million AAV looks now, wait until he’s 36 and still making $5.75 million.

And I mean, you can do this all day with the Blues roster. When I initially said I didn’t like the Berglund extension, a lot of Blues fans were quick to point of that it’s not as bad as having Jori Lehtera signed for two more seasons at $4.7 million. In point of fact, both deals can be ill-advised simultaneously. Lehtera signed that deal when he was coming off a 14-30-44 season as he broke into the NHL at age 27. Only on Feb. 16 did he surpass his goal production from that first season, netting his 16th in 132 games against the Canucks.

Armstrong, it seems, always wants to buy as high as possible but is never really content with the few bargains he’s put on his roster. After all, look at the Blues goaltending debacle this season that cost a legendary coach his job; it’s easily avoidable if Armstrong sticks with Brian Elliott, who did nothing but deliver sterling performances for the Blues (.925 in 181 games).

Elliott was perceived as not-good-enough in 2014, so Armstrong brought in Ryan Miller, who imploded hilariously (.903 in 19 games in the regular season, .897 in six in the postseason) and was never going to stick around even if he hadn’t. Then Armstrong got Martin Brodeur (.899 in seven appearances) because he thought Elliott wasn’t good enough. Then Armstrong decided he would platoon Elliott (.930 in 42 games last season) with Allen (.920 in 47), and it worked pretty well even if the wrong guy was the 1b. And when it came time to make a decision, he traded Elliott to Calgary, only to see the goalie sign for $2.5 million against the cap.

[Join a Yahoo Daily Fantasy Hockey contest now]

So when it comes to the Blues, you can expect one thing above all others: Armstrong will not properly assess your quality before deciding how to deal with your contract situation. That seems like something to which you can set your watch.

It also seems like a big problem for the team going forward.

What We Learned

Anaheim Ducks: Seems like potentially a lot to give up for Patrick Eaves, but he’s a good player and they needed a lot of help in attack.

Arizona Coyotes: They should trade Shane Doan but they never ever will.

Boston Bruins: Don Sweeney is a damn genius. He’s gonna stand pat at the deadline. Incredible job preservation. If you don’t make moves and you’re in “evaluation mode” you keep your job even longer! You can tell my man went to Harvard.

Buffalo Sabres: A loss to the Avs, even coming out of the bye week, still isn’t in any way excusable.

Calgary Flames: They really ought to take him up on this.

Carolina Hurricanes: Bad take on a team that is clearly improving sharply.

Chicago: Tomas Jurco will really fit in with this team’s culture; like Jonathan Toews, he’s been sacrificing offense to play defense so much this year and that’s why he doesn’t have literally any points.

Colorado Avalanche: This is me doing the thinking guy emoji.

Columbus Blue Jackets: John Tortorella is such a good coach. He told his team to score a lot of goals after the bye week and not allow any. That’s just smart.

Dallas Stars: Love games with built-in excuses.

Detroit Red Wings: Their GM. Next question.

Edmonton Oilers: Yeah the Oilers should definitely trade for this unbelievable defenseman who probably isn’t actually on the market.

Florida Panthers: Is that… no it couldn’t be. It’s depth scoring? For the Panthers?

Los Angeles Kings: Watch this team go on a run and everyone says it’s because Quick is the best goalie alive.

Minnesota Wild: Zoinks am I getting sick of hearing about the bye like it’s haunting an abandoned amusement park that four teens and a talking dog have to go investigate.

Montreal Canadiens: Not sure if you guys have heard, but they like it when the Habs coach speaks a little language we all know and love that is called French.

Nashville Predators: These are my good boys.

New Jersey Devils: It took an OT loss to the Rangers to tell you this?

New York Islanders: I’m crying over here.

New York Rangers: If it only costs you a first and JT Miller to get Kevin Shattenkirk, that’s a trade you make every time.

Ottawa Senators: This is my son.

Not much scares @ErikKarlsson65 but this guy did….???? @DAlfredsson11 pic.twitter.com/Fe4lXTOtY7

— Jesper Parnevik (@JesperParnevik) February 25, 2017

Philadelphia Flyers: Get this guy out of the damn league already.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Honestly, Crosby is having an incredible season. Feels like we’re not talking about that enough.

San Jose Sharks: Yup. Correct take here.

St. Louis Blues: Shattenkirk can’t win.

Tampa Bay Lightning: So much about the Lightning’s recent success boils down to Jonathan Drouin playing in video game mode.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Now that’s a good American boy.

Vancouver Canucks: Why do the Canucks stink “all of a sudden?” Oh yeah, the uh… mumps.

Vegas Golden Knights: How much of “being busy” is just George McPhee sitting around in his office frowning at a computer?

Washington Capitals: Shoutout to Barry Trotz in advance because I will probably forget about that whole “700 wins” thing when it actually happens.

Winnipeg Jets: The future is kinda bright in Winnipeg, which is what happens when you never make the playoffs.

Play of the Weekend

In the immortal words of Larry David, this 2nd period goal by @FlaPanthers prospect @punanen5 was pretty… pretty… pretty good. #SCTop10 pic.twitter.com/Cbn0YjlqET

— Denver Hockey (@DU_Hockey) February 26, 2017

Henrik Borgstrom is a Panthers prospect.

Gold Star Award

The real stars of the League are the live penguins at the outdoor game. I want to hug and kiss them all.

Minus of the Weekend

Deleted Ducks tweet was a gif of Kesler knocking Carter down with one punch. pic.twitter.com/aPm69YyUvF

— Platinum Seat Ghosts (@3rdPeriodSuits) February 25, 2017

The Ducks tweeting that one-punch on Jeff Carter like “haha this was so cool” is a pretty good illustration of how fighting in hockey and anyone who likes it are so stupid.

Perfect HFBoards Trade Proposal of the Year

User “SHANNYPLAN” is a guy who I have no idea what city he’s from at all. No idea. Impossible to tell.

Wayne Simmonds

for

James VanRiemsdyk Andreas Johnsson 1st 2017 (cond) or 2nd

Signoff

C

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All stats via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

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